Sunday, April 19, 2015

Sign at the X


I don’t know why I do what I do.
Why I push away the only ones who care.
I know he loved me. I knew it the first time we spoke.
and the second
and the third

I ignored it. Thought “not knowing”, meant it untrue
and then the final time.
When I fell too.

we spoke of our souls
the world stopped.
normalcy settled
I had never experienced such intimacy
not of passion but security
our heels ached with breaking points.
weaknesses and heartaches masked,
our demons fantasize of another who could possibly feel such pain
interlocking talons as we stroll down shadow covered consciousnesses.
I knew I should feel fear. distance.
but for the first time the darkness felt safe,
as if for the first time I knew what lie beyond.

and than somewhere between now and then

I rationalized

darkness crept back into the depths
condemned to comfort

I did not allow myself to forget,
grasping to the words of predecessors.
knuckles white

I said I don’t know why I do what I do
but do not be fooled I am not blind to what

Moderation is my enemy,
terrified of losing it all,
investing too much,

I starve.

I’ve felt indulgence,
blinded by emotion.
allowing my heart to be open, and my eyes
closed

blissfully lifting the gates
the perfect heist
trusting, giving, loving
too soon, too much. loving.

none returned
and now what do I have to show

space, voids

I know you were different.
a broken forgotten soul
craving love and the one who would finally accept it.
I know I hurt you
and for that I can’t forgive myself...

I’m sorry, I was not strong enough.
I hope you find who is.

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